Trip to the Mall, Indiana Jones, Ah I Got Nothing, etc.

Malls are stupid. I went to the mall today to get some shorts because I needed some shorts. People that hang out in malls are retarded. No really, literally retarded, Downies everywhere! Juuuuuuust kiiiiiiddin.

Honestly, why would anyone go there unless they absolutely had to? Does one honestly think, "I'm planning a day out, I shall partake in a recreational happy fun day at my local Mall or Shopping Center. What shall I do? Oh look there are stores, I shall go to them!"

The thing about people who go to the mall on a regular basis is that they never buy anything. There is nothing else to do at the mall but purchase items. Oh wait no, you can sit on the couches they provide you...the nice warm, soiled couches...

Moreover, malls have to be the most exhausting environments. I was ready to get some shorts and just ended up getting a mocha frap and then getting dinner with my friend from one of the shit food places. We were there for like 4 hours and got absolutely nothing, I swear to fucking God malls slow down your fucking heart rate and turn you into a god damned consumerist zombie in the most literal sense of the word.

Enough about malls. I saw Indiana Jones with my parents who loved the first three movies. I don't really remember much about them because I was too leetle. Well I'm not going to give anything away, except for things you probably already know.

Like, it sucked.

Harrison Ford is old.

Shia Labeouf is awesome for some reason, even though he makes shitty movies.

And Shia Labeouf's bad tan made it's debut and outstaged everyone!

My parents are pretty easily impressed. They can't see why Arrested Development is funny and are pretty convinced Armageddon is a good movie. Even they didn't like Indiana Jones and The Crystal of OMG We Ran Out of Ideas So It's Either Aliens are Zombies The Kids Are Really Into That, Right?

I hate going to the movie theater with my parents because they talk EXTREMELY LOUD, and I don't mean in the sassy way that other individuals might enjoy. Nope. I mean like:

"LOOK DID YOU SEE THAT? I WASN'T SURE IF YOU SAW THAT, EVEN THOUGH WE ARE WATCHING THE SAME MOVIE? ANSWER ME BITCH?! DID YOU SEE IT?! "

Well that concludes, another one of the meh adventures of, oh fuck it...I give up....

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Living Lohan

Oh my stars. First of all, whether or not you give any shits about the Hohanz, you know a bunch of shit about them. It's inescapable. If you don't know anything at all, you know that Lindsay Hohan is drug abusin', talentless, unpoetic tragedy.

But guess what guys?! She has a sister! A leetle one, that "wants to be just like Lindsay." Oh em gee. Ali Hohan is a mere 14 years old, so from this tidbit of info you might think "oh that's really sad she's too young to know or understand her sister is dumb slut :("

NOPE! She TOTES knows and that's why it's awesome. Bitch is 14 and looks 37. She fucking sounds like it too. Must be all the cigarettes and semen, that's how the Hohans keep their figures, of course. I'm not entirely convinced that Ali Hohan isn't actually Dina's older sister posing as her daughter so they can ride on Lindsay's coattails. I mean honestly, if you rub enough twinkies and jizz on your face you're basically guaranteed eternal youth. Just look at Joan Rivers.

They constantly show Ali piling on tons of makeup because apparently I was wrong, she isn't Lindsay's aunt, she is her uncle. And we all know there is no point in being a tranny if you're not going to be sassy. Ali isn't intelligent enough to be clever or witty. She certainly isn't smart enough to realize her mother is exploiting her and will probably be cashing all the reality tv trainwreck checks when her album bombs. But, don't worry Ali, we'll get you a new iPod and all the semen smoothies you can eat!

One of the best parts is where Dina Hohan, Long Island's Mother of the Year, (but of course the only requirement to win any parent of the year award in Long Island is to have the child with the least rehab stays and hair product) well Dina is looking through tabloids even though "they don't matter," and she finds Hohan's Sex Tape:



Oh wait, that's not her sex tape, that's a scene from the box office (s)hit: I Know Who Killed Me, also known in France as Double Down on Les Firecrotch.

So Dina's looking at screen caps of her daughter blow jaying someone and is all "THAT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK LIKE HER THAT COULD BE ANYONE!" Then Ali, comes over and the first thing she says is, "Is that Lindsay?" ha! I guess you can tell who it is.

Ali wants to make a "hiphop," album but her label is trying to explain to her that no one would find it believable that she is a "hip hop artist." Dina likes to call her daughter (brother) an artist, even though Ali doesn't write the song lyrics, compose the songs and can't sing. Ali has this young producer friends, a.k.a. a white guy with a hoodie that owns the music software program, Garage Band.

Ali, after saying she's only known Jeremy for three months, later goes onto say "I feel like I've known him long enough to trust him." Uncle Ali is so good at pretending to be a naive fourteen year old. Next scene they find an article where Jeremy states he is dating Lindsay even though "he doesn't even like know her." Ali is clearly mad because she wants to fuck Jeremy, but Jeremy just isn't into dudes, or at least not into bottoming.

Then Ali confronts him, telling him to explain himself, but doesn't actually ever let him talk. TO BE CONTINUED... This is totally realistic and doesn't feel staged at all.



This show is 10 stars, Nick and Aaron Carter are gonna have to work a lot harder!

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The Friends I've Had

So, I'm writing this "short story and poem," collection (a.k.a. a bunch of shit I wrote held together with a staple). Although I wouldn't call them poems because there is nothing poetic about anything I write. Well anyway, this thing is called "The Friends I've Had." And it's about exactly that amongst made up people and whatnot. Blah, blah, etc., who cares.

What I noticed, in trying to recount all of the friends I've ever had, is that they are all exactly the same fucked up person. Well not ALL but they are usually one of two kinds of people, either extremely judgmental (like myself, THERE I SAID IT, I JUDGE!) or someone packing eighteen holocausts worth of emotional baggage.

I always kind of wonder what this says about my personality, as I am the only person of interest, importance or worth to myself, everything must some how come back to me.

In some ways I think I vicariously (pathetically) like to live through people that I think are more interesting than myself and because of my "odd," sensibilities people who get pregnant and venereal diseases before the age of 16 are fascinating! But usually what tends to happen is these people exhaust me after X amount of time, because I mean, I am genuinely friends with these people (at first).

Things tend to work like this, "WOW 8 kids and you're only 12, how do you do it?!" *interested face* "You need to borrow 20 bux sure!" *compassionate face* "You need a place to stay." *nigga you worn out your welcome face*.

This is why me and Patty can never be friends. Patty's crazy fucked-upness is solely internal, her crazy is in no way interesting and far too self-serving. Also she is fat and sad. I don't got time to stop and get a bucket of hash brownz bitch.

I like my whore friends bulimic and sassy! No muffin tops please and thank you!

In some ways this makes me a terrible person, but the more I am aware that most of my interactions with people have an expiration date the more exploitative I become of them, hence the blog. Patty gave me something to write about, so I hung out with her more just to see her be crazy, even though it's not THAT entertaining, she sufficed for the school year.

So kids,, the school year is over! I need to find another crazy to supplement the feminist unicorn, send your applications to sassypants@maggotsandtenderloin.com.

Here is a bit of what I am writing. It's a working progress don't judge me assholes! But feel free to leave suggestions in the comments, be honest! I can take it! ....Just don't judge me.

Fruit Flavored Blow job Lips
I once had a friend
That liked to give head.
She looked like she did too.
We’ll just call her Juana B.
‘Cause when she’d buy a rubber from the store
They’d always give her the fruit--
Flavored, blowjob lips; She’d always wear the strawberry gloss.
She said she hated her hips, but I wasn’t aware she had any.
When she was thirteen she said she’d lose it at fifteen,
I thought that was a bit young,
But when we were fourteen she let Ronnie hit a home run.
I think she got a disease from him,
Even though he said he was a virgin.
She came to me with “…a little infection down there…”
I gave her this nasty stare,
But she said “no…it’s not like that…”
And I thought what a coincidence.
Of course this wasn’t the first or last of many incidents,
Like I said, she liked to give head, among other things anyway…

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Flight or Fight (I am a Useless Vagina McVaginastein)

You ever hear the expression there are two kinds of people: The kind that walk through doors and the kind that hold them ?

I always hear this and wonder which one of them I am. Because honestly, I am one of those people that will just stand there and hold the door, in a lot of ways I am such a bitch, but in other ways I'm kind of a push over. But obviously this is a metaphor, right? I think I am fairly ambitious, but again I am really lazy, I get things done but I tend to wait for the last minute.

Well the only reason I bring this up is because I am one of those people that when someone bumps into them I will say sorry when it's not my fault. Which is weird because I don't think I've ever apologized for anything that actually mattered. But then again I am infallible and always completely blameless.*

*This is a lie.*
*Just kidding I rock.

So a friend and I are walking through the mall, BAM! on the shoulder, not my fault I say "oh sorry." Person walks away. Again, same thing happens on the shoulder, I apologize. It was pretty crowded or maybe I am just someone people like to ram there bodies into.

Third time, this chick, an angry Negris, if you will, shoves into my shoulder. It fucking hurt. I say "sorry," she turns around and gives me the dirtiest look. I raise my eyebrow, I can't help my expressions, we lock eyes and she walks away. I mean, if fight club taught us anything it's that most people avoid physical altercation.

I know I would never fight anyone over something as petty as that. My brain and body would just not let me. I'd probably runaway, not cause I was scared, but I have this weird instinct to runaway whenever anything happens.

A while ago some other friends of mine and I were coming from a lame ass concert and this huge guy with ginormous muscles, in a suit with no sleeves, prolly a fag, but kinda scary. He was clearly drunk and it was late and I see him coming towards us and one of my friends is ahead of me, I'm behind her and my other friend is behind me.

So this guy, Giant Fag Douche, walks by friend # 1, passes me, then heads for friend #2. He is coming toward her, grabbing her shoulder kind of, and saying "TAKE THE RECEIPT" an ominous message from the fates perhaps! So I see my friend being physically assaulted by some dude and I just start walking faster and watch. I am the WORST FRIEND EVER. SORRY GUYS I DON'T HAVE YOUR BACK. It's not my fault, my adrenaline is a puss.

At the same time, the only times I ever actually hit someone were random, unwarranted, hormonal moments. Like this one time, in gym class (in the 6th grade) we were playing kick ball or something girls against boys. Naturally the boys won and afterwards, some kid, that I didn't even know started "talking mad shit," about how the girls sucked. And we did, I was especially useless.

But it really pissed me off, so much so that before I knew it I had the kid pinned against the wall, choking him! It was weird, it was like "HOLY SHIT I AM CHOKING THIS GUY, I GUESS I CAN'T STOP UNTIL HE'S DEAD." So I killed him. Juuuust kidding. I didn't kill him, but I am sure my hand prints were on his neck for a while. I just kind of walked away then he punched me in the back like a puss, he had weak faggy fists.

So I guess the point of this post is, I am completely useless and would probably let YOU die if you needed me to save you, unless I am the one that is actually killing you, which is also highly likely.

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Hobos: What's Your Favorite Flavor?

Homeless people: friend or foe?! Riding the subway a lot one can expect to encounter lots and lots of homeless people and pan handlers. I always think it's kind of interesting that there is such a variety of crazy, down-and-out folks.

For instance whenever I ride any of the "green" trains there is always this HUGE, obese homeless guy with an afro and literally half a t-shirt, revealing his delicious, fleshy jelly-rolls to the on-lookers as he walks by yelling, "JIBBAH JABBAH RABBAH DABBAH," or whatever language these hobosapiens speak. I always wonder if he is truly homeless because he is so large and must have sustenance from somewhere. But then when he walks by my seat a strange smell straddles me nostrils and there's never any Indian people around, so I assume it's coming from him.

As of late, I've been seeing lots of homeless people with signs. I don't mean cardboard boxes with words written in dog poo either. I mean like actual laminated, "I AM HOMELESS MY NAME IS EBENEZER JONES I WANT MONEY AAAARRRGH" signs. This makes me not want to give you money, I don't even know where I'd go to get something laminated. I'd have to google that shit, do these hobos have iPhones? Dubayoo. Tee. Eff.

As I've mentioned before the crazies love the sass. I tend to look completely lost and touristy because most of the time I am completely lost and I think the crazies see this and zoom in on it. I was out yesterday with my friend in Union Square and some guy, in the middle of the street walks up to us "Hi YOU SEXY LADIES LOOK AT YOU LADIES." The peculiar thing was that he stopped, opened his arms really wide, and looked at us, expecting to give us a hug. We both stopped 'cause we figured one of us had to no this dude. We did not.

Not long after that, we were sitting in the park, some chick comes up to us trying to sell candy to send some retarded kids to California or something. Then another lady with one of the signs I was talking about, walks up to us, stands in front of us, tapping the sign. My friend offers her an orange, a perfectly good one I might add, the lady says "Yes." My friend hands her the orange, the lady walks away with out taking it. Cunt.

See, I can understand rapin' hobos, stabbin' hobos, crazy hobos, druggie hobos, but ungrateful hobos, nigga please.

One thing I do admire about poor people or homeless people in general, they can smell money, almost as good as Jews, even. I remember taking out a dollar bill from my pocket and like 80 hundred people "U GOTS N E CHANGE MISS." "SCUZE ME MISS CAN I HAVE A DOLLAH?!" It was like fucking Dawn of the Dead or the Holocaust. Same difference.

In NYC at least there are very specific hobos to certain lines. Blind chick (I don't buy her blindness for one second) on the orange trains, Jibbah Jabbah on the orange trains, etc. I always wonder what goes on "behind the scenes," do these hobos fight for train turf? Are there hobo gangs? Can hobos understand other hobos, the way dogs understand other dogs?

If only someone with a syndicated tv show, a sense of entitlement, arrogance, and lots and lots of money would show us what it's truly like...

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Captain Planet Does the N-Word

I was bored and so I decided to look up some old clips of Captain Planet on youtube because I clearly have an active social life. Well anyways one of the first things that comes up when you search "captain planet," is the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my entire life.



This is by far one of the most racist, most offensive things I've ever seen. IT'S FUCKIN' AWESOOOOOME!!

First we see dark (NO PUN!) figures amidst a shoot out in the night. Flashes of Martin Luther King, Malcom X, J.F.K. and some other black dude that I don't know who he is, perhaps Flavor Flav or perhaps *God Himself: The Rev. Al Sharpton. Then the dark figures are revealed, they are, get ready, UNSAVORY YOUNG MEN OF THE URBAN PERSUASION! WhaaaaAAAAaaaaT?!? Niggas in a shoot out? Clutch my pearls, I do declare this a-fucking-awesome.

*Disclaimer: Nigger Gods are not to be confused with REAL Gods.


Enter, young N-word, Alfonso Ribeiro who protests, "Someone help--someone help me, DAWG! If you sign this petition we can bring Silverspoons back on the air, dawg!" I don't even have to make jokes, this is ridiculous enough. When black-kid-with-a-hat asks:

"Yo, dawg, why these new niggas gotta be all up in my turf, dawg, yo?"

Light-skin-black-guy or Cuba Gooding Jr. reponds:
"We gotta re-edu-muh-cate the boopity boo be bop a doo dop a skittle skat Mr. Patty-wack, and if you give that nigga a bone a bee bop, he fo sho' gonna scooby doo dop a wop, naw."

Then Bill "I Luv Me Some Pound Cake" Cosby, of Fat Albert fame, comes to save the day in his Delorean. But The Pound Cake Lover ain't gonna save him for free, so Ronnie quickly dances for the massa and before Mr. Cosby can say "Knucklehead," he is shot and killed.

Next scene is with the planeteers, blah blah etc., boring. Then all of a sudden Flo Rida lunges at DMX, screaming "I WANT CHO BOOTZ WIT DA FURR," and as he is about to punch him, we get a shot of his knuckles, and on them is written:
R E A D. LOLLERSKATEZ!!!!!!XD Captain Planet is so like, ironic, lol.

Next scene, Jessica Alba is trying to convince Cuba Gooding Jr. that Alfonso is Straight-G.

Cuba Gooding Jr.: "Don't be hangin with that sped a skoo dop, yo, he be a retard a doodaddle, yuh here."

Jessica Alba: "Juss cuz he retawdid dun meen he be stuped, meng."

Cuba Gooding Jr.:" Don't be dissin' me, ho." *shanks with box cutter* "That'll teach a ho to bee bop all up in my skoo daddle."

This is where the video ends and I can't find the rest of the episode. I guess we'll never know what happens to Alfonso...maybe he'll become the sidekick of a softcore, whitewashed rapper from Philadelphia?...Nah, he'll prolly end up selling crystal meth to Cuba Gooding Jr. in the East Compton Men's Bathhouse: Niggaz Dat Luv Niggaz.

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School's Out for Summer (A Year in RetrospectACULAR)

School is over kids. You know what that means? No. Well of course you don't, you're a buhgina face.

My first year of college is over, officially, today. Wrap that shit up in bacon and fry it! Cause I'm done cookin'! I don't know what that means, but it feels appropriate. Since the year is over, I'd like to take a look at it in retrospect. Everything I've learned, everyone I've hated and MUCH MUCH MORE, WE'VE GOT LOADS OF SHIT TO DISCUSS (complain about)!!!!!

Lesson One: People from L.A. are Stupid.

"L.A. gurlz we gotta like stick together oh muh god." This phrase will haunt me in my sleep and send a cold shutter down my spine every time the same dumb bitches, with the same dumb bitch over-dyed black hair and the same dumb bitch too-much-eye-liner and the same dumb bitch scarves, walk by me saying the same dumb bitch phrases, "Like oh my god that's so boss. I like love Ryan Gosling he's like so not a fag..."

Lesson Two: People Actually Believe their Own Bullshit

I think I've mentioned the hyper liberalism at my school many a time. But two weeks ago when we were having dinner with the president of the college (she invites students over in small groups and we basically discuss everything we hate about the school and she pretends to give a shit) some silly cunt, you know, a white girl with dreadlocks that doesn't wear shoes, we've all met 'em. She insisted that we have "white people studies" in order to balance out the fact that we have so many "ethnic studies."

People who try to equalize everything to a ridiculous degree piss me off. Of course, when you are doing any ethnic study you are inadvertently studying "white people" because they have played such an intrinsic role in "ethnic" history, duh. And the president kept saying this to her but she could not comprehend anything outside of the shell of turd-like blond strands of doo doo hair that enraptured her skull.

Dumb-bitch:"We should have white people studiez cus we got too many brown people studiez."

College President:"Ummm, I don't think that makes any sense, you see--"

Dumb-bitch:"--but that's unfair becuz brown people are clearly being favoritisized. FUCK THE SYSTEM ! FUCK MY RAPE HOLE ! I CAN SAY DAT CUZ I'M A FEMINIST"

College President:"Nigga pleez."

Lesson Three: No Matter How Many Times They Tell You They're Straight, They Are Absolutely Not

Straight Guy:"I'm like the only hetero guy on campus. lol."

Me:"orly?"

Straight Guy:"Yeah, wanna watch AbFab?"

Me:"Hmm?"

Straight Guy:"We can like so watch AbFab and drink dee-lih-shee-ous hot chah-co-lot. Wan some, gurl?"

Me:"Pardon?"

Straight Guy:"Heeeey sssstop it, you're just funnin' wiff me gurl, I'm gonna git chu back. But seriously, let's watch AbFab! Hollaback gurl, cuz I need to borrow those jeanz."

Lesson Four: Black People Travel in Packs

Since the first day of school alllllll the black people gravitated toward each other without ever having met before. I've mentioned this before, but lately there has been a very vocal discussion about how their group "Common Ground" A.K.A. $@ngry B!@X$" which was created to promote tolerance amongst all ethnicities. Well, they've been accused of "reverse-racism." CUZ ITS TROO, NIGGAZ BE HATIN FURREALZ. Of course this vocal discussion took place anonymously on the school message boards because the kids in my school are too pussy to use the N word, even when it's appropriate.

Lesson Five: Hate is Good

Never have I ever been surrounded by more people that I outright despise. I go to an art school and I've met the least creative people here than any other time or place in my whole life. I've never met more people that promoted tolerance but were extremely prejudiced. I've never been in a creative writing class where students actually praised each other for copying off of other writer's ideas. I've never met so many angry, menstruating dykes that wanted to make me feel inadequate about not being a feminist. I've never met more sensitive, whiny, hippies that would defend our right to DISSENT but piss on themselves whenever anyone had the "audacity" to challenge their own opinions. I've never met anyone as fat and sad as Patty.

I've never felt better about myself.

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8 Reasons Why This Is(n't) The Dumbest Generation...(continued)

Part One Part Two

6. They don't store the information

"For digital immigrants, people who are 40 years old who spent their college time in the library acquiring information, the Internet is really a miraculous source of knowledge,'' Bauerlein says. "Digital natives, however, go to the Internet not to store knowledge in their minds, but to retrieve material and pass it along. The Internet is just a delivery system.''

This is stupid. It doesn't matter where you get the information as long as you get it. There isn't a difference between reading a physical encyclopedia and reading wikipedia. Once you read something it's in your brain for the most part. Not everything you read is going to seep in, that's just not how brains work...

Most people who went to the library to study were studying for exams and school, studying on the internet is no different. The more you focus on trying to learn something the better chance you have at remembering it. The scenario is no different. When we want or have to learn something we will do it. In fact we have better chances of getting new information in passing because we don't have to consciously or physically seek it out when we are on the computer.

Info from leisure time + info from study time = more information than before.

7. Because their teachers don't tell them so Or because their parents don't check their bedrooms at midnight to halt the instant messaging..."Kids are drowning in teen stuff delivered 24/7 by the tools, and adult realities can't penetrate," Bauerlein says.

This is a lie. Cellphones are banned in most schools. So what if kids spend their free time doing stupid, frivolous stuff, they are kids? I don't see how this is particularly different from any other generation. As long as you are doing what you are supposed to (school I guess) then who gives a shit?

8. Because they're young

This basically cancels out all the other arguments of this cunt.

I always thought Limp Bizkit summed it up pretty well.

We don't give a fuck
and we won't ever give a fuck
until you give a fuck about me

The problem with this generation, I'll tell ya! The problem is extreme apathy and laziness. It's not that we are dumber than before, in a lot of ways we are smarter. The overwhelming amount of data we have to process in a day is fucking well-- overwhelming. There is far more pressure in school and from parents to get a degree, the amount of people who apply to colleges has skyrocketed and the standards to get into colleges have been raised much higher than ever before.

Kids are being coached and trained and put into afterschool programs and saturday school programs just to get a high score on the SATs. The amount of stress put on us to succeed because of the increasing demand in the workforce for people with higher education proves the opposite of this douches point.

What I mean is, we are molded and pushed to be politically and socially aware from a very young age, so by the time we are old enough to give a shit we don't because we've wasted our whole childhood having to give a shit. Moreover the glamourization of the grunge error, the apathetic error, only puts our apathy on a continuum from before. We know wtf is going on, we don't care to change it because we don't think anything ever will. We are fucking emo.

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8 Reasons Why This Is(n't) The Dumbest Generation (+ Why Old People Don't Get to Put Me in MY Place): A Response to the Boston Globe

Part OneOkay this is a super long post (the one I was suppose to post yesterday but blogger fucking fucked up) so I've divided it into two parts.

A friend (ohai Darq) sent me an article from the Boston Globe about why this is the dumbest generation ever. And I was intrigued because in some ways I agree. "Dumb," probably isn't the word I would use in the literal sense, but let's see what the Boston Globe has to say about me.

I always seek validation as a human being from news articles written by the same old men who come up with headlines like: "Lindsay Lohan, More Like Lindsay Mo' Ham: This Bitch is Anorexic, Pass the Ham Please!"

Well, the article is stupid, sosososososo stupid. In fact I was pretty convinced that this generation is the dumbest because of articles written like this.

So they basically give eight reasons and I will go through each and tell you why they are completely wrong and untenable.

1. They make excellent "Jaywalking'' targets

Bauerlein writes: "The ignorance is hard to believe ... It isn't enough to say that these young people are uninterested in world realities. They are actively cut off from them. ... They are encased in more immediate realities that shut out conditions beyond -- friends, work, clothes, cars, pop music, sitcoms, Facebook.''

This is somewhat true. Because of technology and the media we constantly have information about both Britney Spears and Darfur being thrown at us. But that's the thing we have both. The fact that Step Up 2: The Streets debuted at number one in the box office is really only a surface appearance and looking at those statistics would probably say we are stupid.

Most people don't realize that we are an "ironic" generation and most of the frivolous things we do are done from a very self-aware stand point and most of the young people I know are extremely politically and socially aware. Britney Spears and Darfur are not mutually exclusive.

2. They don't read books -- and don't want to, either

"It's a new attitude, this brazen disregard of books and reading. Earlier generations resented homework assignments, of course, and only a small segment of each dove into the intellectual currents of the time, but no generation trumpeted aliteracy ... as a valid behavior of their peers.''

4. They get ridiculed for original thought, good writing "On MySpace, if you write clearly and compose coherent paragraphs with informed observations on history and current events, 'buddies' will make fun of you,'' Bauerlein says.

I will lump these two together because they are basically saying the same thing and it's blatant bull shit and misinformation. Never have I ever been or known anyone that was ever mocked for having proper grammar. As someone that is active on the internet and on several forums, people who can't spell or choose to write like "lolcats, are the first ones to get shit for it and are instantly branded as unintelligent.

I don't know who this Bauerlein is or where he is getting this information, but it basically sounds like an old person, making up old people thoughts, based on random observations they've made from hosing down the hooligans on their lawn.

P.S. Maybe if you didn't leave those bad ass flamingo ornaments on there we wouldn't steal them and maybe if you didn't write such shitty articles we wouldn't take a shit in a paper bag and leave it on your doorstep, CUNT.

3. They can't spell

Lack of capitalization and IM codes dominate online writing. Without spellcheck, folks are toast.

Most people can't spell. The ability to spell has nothing to do with intelligence. I've had very intelligent English teachers that could not spell. Spelling has a lot to do with memorization, especially in the English language when there are no rules to grammar that don't have exceptions.

5. Grand Theft Auto IV, etc. The stats tell the story here. First week's sales: $500 million. The sales of GTA dwarf movie premieres, CD sales, or, Bauerlein notes, book sales.

This might be a valid argument if contemporary literature didn't suck. I honestly don't think there is much of a difference between reading Harry Potter and reading all the fucking storyline you have to wade through in an RPG game.

Obviously, GTA isn't an RPG game, but you have to also consider the fact that you have to buy video games in order to access them. Books, movies and music you can all get online for free. Just because we spend money on video games doesn't mean we are not reading books, asshole.

Part Two

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When All Else Fails, Youtube Videos

A friend showed me this yesterday. This is all you get for today. I wrote this super long post then blogger FUCKED MY SHIT UP and I am so angry I could cut a negro. I will try and fix it tomorrow but I doubt it will work >_> UGH COMPUTERS, FRIEND OR FOE?!!?!?!?

(pre)Teenage Skanks: A Panic at the Disco Story

I went to a Panic [Exclamation Point Place Holder] at the Disco Concert yesterday with Patty. I don't know why... I don't like the band. But I like concerts!!!! And shitty pop-rock bands, if they have any purpose in this life, is to be somewhat entertaining live. The music is simple enough and catchy enough to break the strongest of men given the right circumstances.

So the day came for us to go. I honestly didn't want to go because I've been super sick these past few days, but I wasn't going to throwaway the 50 bucks I thoughtfully spent (wasted). As much as I hate Patty she is too lame and insecure to go by herself and I guess I felt bad (because I have a soul, SO THERE!!!). So we went.

There was a BABILLIONxAGOOGOOPLEX of people in the Roseland Ballroom, which is basically a large room with a stage...It was filled to the brim with eleventeen year olds and their parents (tee hee). I'm about 5'4" so this was the first concert where I thought I would actually be able to see.

Patty and I get there a little late and the place is dripping with drunken middle schoolers, dangling from the ceiling and balconies, making unfunny ironic jokes about Pete Wentz and serious threats like "I'm gonna get front and center even if I have to cut a nigga, PUSH THROUGH BITCH!!"

Patty and I are standing on the outskirts of the concert hall. Then all of a sudden this HUGE wave of eleventeens shoves us and before we knew it we were center. This kept happening all night, overpowering surges of "Like OMG IT'S BRANDON look at his face, it's strangely feminine like a chicks, lol NO HOMO!!!XD" I was literally standing on my tippy toes and holding onto the bra strap of a stranger for dear life. The amount of underage dry humping that I was forced to do against my will should certainly qualify for a court sentencing.

Now of course all of this energy would be a good thing at a concert. But honest to fucking god, Panic at the Disco. There was crowd surfing at a Panic at the Disco Concert. Dubayoo. Tee. Eff. That's like slam dancing to Barry Manilow. It's condemnable by GOD.

I'm trying to get into this concert, even though I give no fucks and this drunk teenage bitch with sparkle eye shadow is rocking the fuck out like she is having an epileptic fit. The best thing about super crowded concerts is that you can physically assault people without them knowing that you are trying to kill them dead.

This whooer was waving her smelly pits and stabbing me in the temple with her elbows, so I just kept punching her in the kidney all night. It was satisfying.

The thing that bothers me the most though, is drunk people with clearly NOT drunk friends who support their "friend's" drunkenness. And this bitch had two cunt friends that literally patted her on the back whenever she was especially obnoxious to the point that people were making faces and passing out at the smell of her prepubescent arm pit funk. Oh, how I miss high school.

Another thing that I don't get is people that go to concerts and just stand there and record the show on their cameras and phones. What a waste of money and what a superfabdeluxwaste of money because you spent it on this shitty concert that you only came to record on your shitty camera, so that you can watch a shitty quality video because you are too far away and live audio always sucks. Also now you have to deal with me punching you in the kidney because your arms are in my fucking way and maybe this wouldn't be a problem if there weren't 500 other people doing the same thing as you.

But what takes the cake is the thirteen year old whores that came dressed like whores, are drunk out of their minds and are with their parents. What's funny is that their parents think they are doing a good job by being an escort, meanwhile these teenage strumpets are drinking in the bathroom, taking off their training bras and punching each other in the face so that they can feel Brandon Urie's sweat on them when he sings his songs about how he likes to fuck other dudes and how the moon is awfully pretty at night.

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Traveling to Another Dimension (Liberal Whiny Hippie Bullshit)

Some chick in my technology class wrote her thesis paper on this book, DMT: The Spirit Molecule. I will discuss:

The book pretty much speculates that by injecting DMT and inducing a "TRIP," more "naturally," as opposed to LSD which would be like a pussy version of DMT, one's mind enters another "universe."

Anyone who uses this stuff would probably say the same shit..."It's a higher plane of consciousness." Maybe it is, I'd be willing to accept this, if it could be proven...

So this guy is an American Zen Buddhist and a scientist. He finds some old Buddhist sutra thing-a-ma-hoo that basically says, it takes 49 days for the soul to be reincarnated. Then he finds out it takes 49 days in the womb for the pineal gland to form (the third eye) and that it also takes 49 days for sexual orientation to be developed. So he posits that at 49 days is where the soul enters the body... Makes sense, right? I guess that depends on if you believe in souls and reincarnation, I guess that depends on a lot... But whether or not you do, it's interesting...

Anyway. This guy, Rick Strassman, studies the accounts of Near Death Experiences, Alien Abductions and spiritual experiences. He finds that they are all similar, except not...everyone had experiences that "reaffirmed," their spiritual beliefs, i.e.: "There is a god.""There is not a god." So everyone had a powerful experience, where they felt like they were seeing into another dimension and just knew that they were right about whatever.

I will not deny that DMT does this, but it doesn't sound like anything more than an overwhelming sense of Euphoria and a badass trip. I studied Near Death Experiences last semester and various accounts of them across the religious spectrum. They're all different and specific to the religion and time period. Medieval catholic NDEs are fire and brimstone (because everyone thought they were being punished by the plague) whereas modern catholic NDES are crazy, cosmic and new-agey.

The fact that social norms are so ingrained in these "trips," doesn't convince me that your mind is traveling to another place, but rather, creating a simulation of another place. It sounds like, "let's all take DMT, maaan, reaffirm our beliefs so that everyone is right and that'll just end war then we can all hug and make out. Peace and Tolerance." Blah, blah, etc.

When I asked the chick in my class, who I think is intelligent (but stupid), why she took this to be more spiritual as opposed to just a biological reaction to a drug, she said how do you know it's not?

Whenever anyone says that it pisses me off. That is not an argument. Science is supposed to PROVE something.
" I think that the sky is blue because this one time I drank blue kool-aid and my poopies turned blue and then I threw them in the sky."
"Umm, I don't think that's true..."
"Well you can't prove that it's NOT."

I'm not saying there aren't other dimensions or parallel universes. I certainly do believe the mind is more powerful than we know and understand right now. But I just can't see (and this maybe the logical whooer in me) a chemical inducing a mental transportation to another place, not in the way it is often described here. If you want to argue whether there is a difference between simulation and reality then you might have something going there... Well, here is someone who does believe in the power of DMT, comedian extraordinaire, Joe Rogan.

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Why Artificial Intelligence is a Bad Idea (A.K.A. Pick That Cotton, Robot!)

So, I have to write my thesis paper on Artificial Intelligence. It's probably one of the hardest papers I've ever had to write, not necessarily because the material is difficult or esoteric, but because I actually have to think.

When I was doing my A.I. research I noticed this HUGE, BLATANT inconsistency that most, I dunno what do you call these people, A.I.-Believers/Supports/Pursuers kind of dismiss or don't bother addressing because it clearly would often FUCK UP THEIR SHIT and they wouldn't want that.

The thing is this: The promise of A.I. is to have intelligent robots that will serve us. The promise of A.I. is that we will have robots that will be able to simulate us (humans) to the extent of which we believe they are human.

The problem is this: You cannot have self-aware, conscious, robots that will serve you. [Insert Skynet Reference Here] Ideally, we want super-smart-human-passable robots that will cater to our needs and make our lives all the more awesome. But in order for a robot to be believably human it has to think for itself, make choices, be self-aware, agree and dissent. We don't want this. We want you (robots) to be smart, perhaps even smarter than ourselves (humans) AND obey. But we can't have our cake and eat it to.

So then I ask you, THE FATES?! WHY?! Why would we pursue Artificial Intelligence? Why would we want to create something in our own image, if we already exist? Moreover, in our politically correct, liberal society, why would we want to create another race of being, as cognizant as us, be forced to give them rights and integrate them into society, just so they can ween us out of it and make us presumably obsolete.

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Kill 'Em With Kindness (The Saga of the Feminist Unicorn Continues...)

I have no problem displaying my dislike for someone-- most of the time. See, if someone is all "YOU STOOPED," Then I'd be all "NO U!!"

But I have a soul...*sigh* and this often gets in the way of my honesty. Theoretically, I believe you should treat others the way you want to be treated and I do this. (How I want to be treated may differ from the way you want to be treated and that's where things might go awry, but whatevz) I also believe that if you don't like someone you shouldn't pretend to like them, that's just being two-faced, which I don't appreciate!

Now, I'm not saying you should go out of your way to be a cunt to someone because you don't like them. I believe in common courtesy as well. I'm just saying, you don't have to be exceptionally nice to people you don't like, I mean, you shouldn't be all, "WOW BECKIFER YOU'RE SO COOL AND THAT'S A LOVELY JACKET." That's just silly, why? Why give someone the wrong impression for no reason?

And well my common courtesy often hinders my ability to not be two-faced. And so the saga continues... Patty is nice to me and genuinely likes me (for some reason) and because of this I cannot be mean to her and when I am even the slightest of mean to her I feel extremely guilty about it. I only hit people when they hit me first. WHAT A STUPID RULE TO LIVE BY! But that way you're always right. And I like to be right.

I pretend to like Patty, everyday of my life and everyday of my life I die just a lil bit more. So, Today I get back to the dorm room from work, look on my desk and find an ominous note from Patty:

"I hope you enjoy the last 2 weeks of school. - Patty" I instantly think "OMG PATTY IS GOING TO KILL HERSELF."

Next to the note is a bag of Pepperidge Farm Soft Baked Dark Chocolate Cookies and Reeses Pieces. I look around the room and see that she has left a similar note for our other roommate, Sue. I think to myself "MY GOD, She's REALLY GOING TO DO IT." And of course she would leave us delicious treats to cope (celebrate) she is fat and sad, this is completely consistent with her character! So I go next door and ask my neighbor where Patty is and she says she went to the library. I sad-face back to the room with disappoint.

The thing is this: Cookies!!!!!111one XD ... See, there aren't many people that would understand this...but I'm ADDICTED TO COOKIES!!!!!111one XD

WHHHHY PATTY?!?! WHY U MAKE IT SO HARD TO HATE YOU, NIGGA? JUSS BE UH BITCH ALREADY CUZ I KNO U IZ!!!

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